That’s been my mantra lately. When I get stressed, 95% of the time, it’s based on fear. So many fears. I’ve struggled with anxiety and panic for most of my life. It’s an every day battle, literally. I’ve, somehow, over the years taught myself ways to overcome it. I owe this success to God for listening to my crap, my friends and family for listening to my crap and keeping it real even when it’s not what I wanted to hear, and to music for being a backbone and also keeping it real. All three of these factors are my rocks…my shoulders to cry on. All that shit. But, right now, nothing is helping so I can only rely on myself which is incredibly difficult. Actually, I’m relying on spilling my guts to play some part. I’m hoping that by getting my fears out here, they’ll cease to haunt me from the inside out.
Earlier this year, my mother started having some vision issues due to diabetes. Granted, she didn’t manage her diabetes so, ultimately, this happened to her because of her lack of care for herself. Even so, it doesn’t make it hurt any less that it’s happening to her. Anyway, she began seeing a retina specialist whom told her all the good things she wanted to hear and giving her some sort of hope that she could see again. Now, I’m not downing this guy nor am I trying to paint a poor picture of him, I’m just…saying. My mom was hopeful so I was, too.
A few months later, my dad was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and he actually wasn’t doing well. He’s had previous heart surgery (quadruple bypass surgery) and 3 heart attacks. He was in the hospital for a few days because his blood pressure dropped to the point of having no reading due to medication he was taking to get rid of the fluid he was retaining. In a few days, he’d lost about 40 pounds of fluid alone. But, he felt better. The problem was, his heart was only functioning at about 15 percent and was that of an 80 year old…per the Cardiologist. We got through that but my dad’s life is basically like walking on egg shells. None of us know that his heart will last much longer. He’s a high risk for “sudden death”.
A few months later, the retina specialist for my mom decides it’s time for surgery to get rid of the blood in her eye that is causing her vision loss. The surgery goes well and it’s time to heal. Sounds simple enough, right?
WRONG. While my mom is at home healing, her employer decides to be complete and total assholes. I won’t get into that but…let’s just say it’s left me feeling utterly helpless for her and I don’t like it one bit. I’m not at a point where I can help her financially. I call her every day to see what she’s up to and it’s always the same thing. “Oh, just watching TV”. Which isn’t true because she can’t see the fucking TV….but that’s not the point, the point is, she’s not happy and I can’t fix it for her like she always tried to fix things for me. I fear that she’ll give up on life because I know she feels life has given up on her.
And I won’t lie, it saddens me to the very core that she may lose her sight completely. She won’t get to see me in my wedding dress, assuming that ever happens. She won’t get to see the faces of my children. She won’t get to see the sunset at Petit Jean like we’ve talked about. That’s fucking terrifying. I mean, I always knew my parents were going to die; I’ve been molded to expect that. But….this is harder. I dunno. I don’t know if I even make sense.
I’m terrified I won’t have my parents for these life events. And that seems selfish to say because I can’t even comprehend what they must fear right now.
My dad is having surgery at the end of this week. They’re placing a pacemaker/defibrillator in to shock his heart in case it abruptly stops…?
And my mom? I don’t know what’s going to happen with her which is enough to make me want to throw up.
Point being, I’ve thought of fear as a misunderstood friend but right now, fear isn’t a friend. Fear is bringing me down and I can’t stand back up yet.
Not to mention, I’m moving this week and I’m terrified of failing ONCE AGAIN.
Sigh. I wish my Nanie were here to make some sense of things.
Growing up is hard.
It’s here. I can feel it. It’s like an annoying fever blister. It lurks at the edge with this weird feverish feeling until it creeps up in the middle of the night and leaves a sore that feels like you could cut your mouth off.
I’m talking about the Quarter Life Crisis, though. It’s definitely creeping. Like Michael Myers in the bushes watching a teenage Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) walk across the street.
2014 has proven to be quite challenging. I expected it and I’ve accepted that it’s going to be difficult. The crisis is a lot different than I expected, though. I half-expected it to my simpler which was naive of me, in retrospect. I have no desires to buy things I don’t need or drive around in a flashy sports car, so I suppose that phase comes with the mid-life crisis. My feelings mostly consist of helplessness, fear, and mass confusion. But, at the same time, I’ve never been more motivated to get my shit together. I suppose this happens to all late 20-ers, which I find comforting in a sense.
There’s also this lingering realization that my parents are getting older. Both of them have had some pretty scary health issues this year and I feel like I’ve fallen behind as a daughter to them. Though, they’d never agree with me. I’ve always been one to do things at my own pace, how I live my life shouldn’t be any different. But, I’ve had this terrifying thought lately. What if my parents aren’t here to see my wedding? Nanie has already left. What if my mom isn’t there to witness my first child being born? And if she is, what if she can’t see the baby because of her losing her eye sight? What if my dad isn’t around to walk me down the aisle one day?
Who’s to say any of this is going to happen? But, I’d like it to. And it’s important to me that my parents be there for these life events. But, the harsh reality of it is….I’m not ready for that life…..yet. I’ve got some serious work to do on myself and it’s going to take time. And, a harsh lesson I’ve learned over the years is that time isn’t always on my side. Time is limited and I can’t possibly predict when my parents won’t be around anymore nor can I predict when I’ll be ready for all the things I wish out of my life. I can only take it one day at a time and hope for the best. And that’s what I do. But, with all of the things happening lately, I’ve felt more compelled than ever to get it together. I’ve got a long road ahead of me. A long, and DIFFICULT road ahead of me. I’m fearful but I also happen to know that I have an excellent support system. I don’t know why God blessed me with such great family and friends except because He’s awesome and always knows what’s best for me. And with this quarter-life crisis and motivation to change, I know i’ll find out for certain who’s with me and who’s not. Which, is life-changing within itself.
The point of this blog is…I’m fucking terrified but intrigued to see what’s next. As terrifying as the crisis seems, the end result is so worth the grief. So, if you’re going through it with me, let’s hold hands and skip through it together. If it’s lingering for you, you should know you aren’t alone!
We’re in the war of our lives and we’ve got to fight on!